What’s Behind That Anger?
A few years ago, when my grandmother passed away, I witnessed the mourning process degenerate into a screaming match. Some of my aunts and uncles hurled hate-filled insults at each other. Words fueled by years of buried resentment, jealousy, and spite began to fly around the room like seagulls around a discarded French fry.
That evening, my cousins and I shared a beer and unpacked what had transpired among our parents. “Why is Aunt Jane such a miserable person?” my cousin asked with genuine curiosity. “Well, it’s easier to be angry than sad, isn’t it?” I responded.
For a long time, anger was my go-to emotion. I was either angry or happy, with little in between. Running late? Angry. Dirty house? Angry. Missed opportunity? Angry. Cancelled plans? Angry—or happy if my introverted side is being honest. Anger was my warm cozy blanket always there for me when life didn’t go the way I wanted. I began to recognize this attachment to anger somewhere around 25 (Thank you, pre-frontal cortex). I decided to do something about it.
Below are 4 strategies I use when I feel anger creeping in and taking over:
Get quiet – odds of saying or doing something I will later regret are highest when I’m angry.
Count to 10 – the first time a therapist suggested this to me, I almost told them to f*ck off (I was angry, remember?). But the first time I actually gave it a shot; I wanted to hug them. The simple act of pausing and counting to 10 has been a game-changer. It creates just enough space for me to regain control before reacting.
Box breath – I’ve found that box breathing– inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts. It not only distracts my mind but also helps to regulate my nervous system.
Get Curious – When I feel anger bubbling up, I ask myself: “What other emotions am I feeling right now?” This simple question opens the door to deeper self-awareness and helps me understand the root of my anger. By acknowledging the full spectrum of emotions, I can start to process them more effectively.
Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about being human, and the role emotions play in that experience. I’ve come to understand that anger, for me, feels powerful, righteous, and protective. Because of my own trauma history, I often turned to anger to shield myself from the more uncomfortable emotions of fear, disappointment, or sadness. Eventually, I recognized that anger had become my dominant emotion—and in doing so, I was stifling all the other feelings that could have arisen. What I also came to realize is that while I gravitate toward anger, others might lean into emotions like anxiety, resentment, hopelessness, or even humor as a defense mechanism.
"If you're finding that anger or other emotions feel hard to manage alone, finding the right therapist can make a meaningful difference."
What about you? What emotion do you turn to when life feels overwhelming?
Cheers,
Becca
